


to be enough

by boxysmiles



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Park Seonghwa-centric, Seonghwa loves them all and they love him, but sometimes that's hard, lapslock, learning to love one's self
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22813921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxysmiles/pseuds/boxysmiles
Summary: Seonghwa struggles to feel like he's enough. Like he's good enough for the group, for the rest of his members, for himself.It's hard to try and change that. It's hard to try and learn to love himself. Thankfully, the others won't let him struggle alone.
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Choi San/Jeong Yunho/Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang/Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa/Song Mingi, OT8 - Relationship, Park Seonghwa/Everyone
Comments: 21
Kudos: 367





	to be enough

**Author's Note:**

> honestly idk, i just like to self-project onto my faves sometimes. the words 'you are not enough' seems to haunt me some days, so here we are, 10k words later.  
> also first time going with lapslock, because this kind of felt more personal and rambly, so i guess it reflects that :')

it feels like this.

it feels like seonghwa’s heart is beating against his chest, threatening to break his ribs, to tear through his skin.

it’s a loud declaration, a message that reverberates through his entire being.

a steady rhythm, a song he knows all the words to by now. 

_ba-dum. ba-dum. ba-dum._

_you are not enough._

* * *

san flops onto seonghwa’s bed with a small grunt. he's brought up shiber, which means he's not doing well today. 

"hi," seonghwa breathes, sliding the notebook he had been writing in underneath his pillow. 

he’s not worried san will pry. it's just that seonghwa doesn't know how to leave his heart open for others to see.

burying into seonghwa, san lets out a huff as he clings around him. on instinct, seonghwa brings a hand up to stroke along his back. 

their debut is fast approaching, and the hour is so late, and hongjoong doesn't look like he's coming home tonight. 

but it means that san can come and talk to seonghwa without a worry, and for that he's grateful. 

"not a good day, huh?" seonghwa asks softly. 

san shakes his head, clinging tighter onto seonghwa. 

he could tell. san started to show the cracks in dance practice, going over and over and over the same movements. 

san is like seonghwa's own reflection sometimes. 

seonghwa can see all the ways san breaks, because he knows the feeling all too well of falling apart. 

this is a routine he's starting to learn well, at the very least. san crawling into his bed is becoming a staple in his life. 

it hadn't been too hard to find each other. the beat of san's heart had been loud to seonghwa, all too recognisable in the way it sat under san's skin, on-top of his shoulders, dragging down his eyes. 

and while seonghwa had tried to hide his own heart, san had still heard him, and found solace in him. 

seonghwa finds solace in san, too. 

"tell me a story, hyung," san whispers. his voice is pitched strangely, his heart clogging his throat. 

"any story?" 

"the story of me. of us." 

there's something seonghwa sees in san that he can't find in himself, so it makes it easy to weave a story he truly believes in. 

"you're going to be amazing, sannie. you're going to shine so brightly on stage that the stars will wonder which one of them fell."

san's laugh is shaky, almost breathless. 

"you're going to be so loved that your heart won't have enough room to store it all."

this time, san just lets out a small sob, tears finally making their way down his cheeks. 

seonghwa keeps running his hand down his back, trying to keep him grounded, keep him safe. 

san truly is a star. he shines so brightly that seonghwa's scared he'll be taken back to space, that he'll leave them all behind. 

"and we'll all be okay. we'll be happy and healthy and we will be enough." 

san is a reflection of himself, but the difference is that san burns so brightly from the inside out. 

one day, san might learn to use the fire inside him to shine properly. will realise just how bright he is.

and seonghwa will be left alone to feel like this. left alone with a heart that beats steadily to a song he doesn't want to hear. 

but for now, san is burning out, a fire that he hasn’t yet learned to hold. one seonghwa will do his best to help with, even if he doesn't know how to. 

"when do we know when we are enough, hyung?"

it's a question seonghwa can't answer. 

* * *

seonghwa watches as the clock enters a new hour.

2am now, and he’s alone again in his room.

he’d been one of the earlier ones to return to the dorm, but he’s been unable to rest.

he keeps replaying the day, over and over and over again in his mind. 

how the vocal coach had shaken his head at seonghwa, both of them frustrated at seonghwa’s progress over the session. 

how the coach had sighed, making seonghwa attempt one line repeatedly. had said “ _okay, let’s try it this way then.”_

and that had been said multiple times already. but no matter what approach seonghwa took, he just couldn’t achieve it.

they ended the session earlier, the coach patting his shoulder and saying “ _i know you can do this, but let’s try this another time. get some rest.”_

but all seonghwa could hear was “ _you are not good enough.”_

seonghwa slams his head back against his pillow as the words reverberate throughout his mind. 

eventually he gives up trying to sleep, sitting up on his bed and leaning against the wall. 

seonghwa _needs_ to be better. he has to be better. everyone else is working so hard, improving themselves, getting ready to debut.

and seonghwa’s home early because _he is not good enough._

the dorm is quiet. those that have returned have most likely fallen asleep, and will stay that way even through a fire alarm. 

he will also be able to hear anyone that returns, which means no one should be able to listen to him.

no one will be able to hear just how much he’s suffering on this one line, and they won’t be able to be disappointed, wonder why seonghwa’s even in their line-up when he can’t measure up.

he practices, again and again, until frustrated tears begin to build in his eyes. it’s not good enough, he’s not good enough.

they’re probably all thinking it, and soon enough they’ll say it. will say he isn’t working hard enough, isn’t good enough to debut with them.

he needs to work harder. everyone else works so hard, and those that haven’t returned home _still_ haven’t even at 4am, which means they’re pushing themselves to be better, practicing and improving.

and he _knows_ that those that haven’t returned will just be tired, that they’ll get another lecture soon enough that resting is just as important as practicing. that they won’t be able to improve if they’re so tired and won’t take care of themselves.

he _knows_ that. he’s seen it enough to know that it’s true. knows that practicing without sleep will just make it all worse in the end.

but he can’t think reasonably right now. just wants to be better, to work hard, so that he doesn’t disappoint the rest of them. he’s lacking, and he needs to work so that he won’t be so far behind them all.

* * *

he’s right about the lecture, as not even a week later, it’s drilled into them again.

seonghwa’s been able to work out a schedule that’s a little better. he practices late at night, sleeps for a little, then practices again early in the morning before anyone has woken up.

the lecture doesn’t really get through, because surely it can’t be such a bad thing that seonghwa’s missing his full time to sleep. he’d gotten a compliment from a vocal coach about his improvement, and while seonghwa knows it’s still not enough, it eases some of the tension in his chest.

he’s still not working half as hard as the others, so the lecture must apply to them. to hongjoong, who’s only come back twice the entire week to sleep in the dorm. both times he does, seonghwa stays in the bathroom to practice so he doesn’t disturb him.

the night of the lecture, hongjoong comes back with seonghwa to the dorm. the others arrive back even earlier, and they all sit down to have a meal together and talk. 

they promise to look out for each other, and seonghwa knows he needs to work harder to care for the others. he’s the oldest, and he needs to make sure that they can rely on him, that they can trust seonghwa to take care of them.

especially hongjoong, who already does so much for their team. who works so hard for them, who carries so much of a burden to try and ensure their success. 

and it’s clear that hongjoong will become the leader of the group. which means he’ll have to do his best to manage them all, and seonghwa needs to do his best to help. 

needs to make sure that hongjoong doesn’t need to worry about him. that he can have someone to rely on to take care of him.

“you can tell me your worries,” seonghwa tells him that night, as they both lie in their beds. “if something’s bothering you, you can lean on me for support.”

hongjoong says “okay”, but seonghwa knows he needs to do better for hongjoong to actually follow through with it.

the next morning, seonghwa organises hongjoong’s breakfast. over the next few days, he does his best to support hongjoong - looking after his meals, making sure to quieten the others when they’ve gone a bit overboard so that hongjoong doesn’t need stress about it.

and hongjoong’s done his best to come back home more often, but on the nights he doesn’t, seonghwa just takes extra care of him the next day.

seonghwa doesn’t deserve gratitude, because this is the least he can do. look after the one looking after and supporting them all. this is the one thing he can do as hongjoong’s hyung, even if they’re technically the same age. 

but hongjoong gives it anyway, says a quiet and sincere “thank you for looking after me” one night. 

it reassures seonghwa that maybe this is one thing he can do right, at least. 

* * *

seonghwa can tell there’s something going on between them all.

he suspected it with wooyoung and yeosang, well before the final line-up for their group had been established. san had definitely gotten involved, and it seems mingi has too.

even though mingi and jongho definitely have something go on. yunho and san as well. 

and seonghwa refuses to make it his business, because his dongsaengs are, by all means, careful about it. no one outside of seonghwa suspects it, and if hongjoong does he doesn't mention it to seonghwa, so it’s not at risk of being revealed. it's not a risk, so seonghwa doesn't need to be concerned about it.

he can see it in the way they look at each other. the way they’re so comfortable with each other. they only ever truly show it at the dorm, which is why seonghwa starts to figure it out.

(also, there was definitely one time seonghwa had returned home, quietly walked past san and yunho’s room and heard things he probably shouldn’t have.)

seonghwa won’t let himself be upset about it. because the way they love each other is precious, something seonghwa won’t let himself ruin. 

they all shine so bright. they’re beautiful. not just their faces, but their souls as well - their personalities are so vibrant, so loving and lovable.

and perhaps seonghwa might love them more than he should, more than he’s allowed to. 

but it’s all too easy to love them all, even if he shouldn’t. even if he’s not good enough for them to love. for anyone to love.

he can’t be upset about it. even if his heart threatens to crumble into a thousand sharp shards, all to ready to cut up his chest. to let his ribs fold in, his lungs blocking, all too consumed with how much he loves them but knows they won’t feel the same.

he can’t be upset when their gaze turns to hongjoong. when he can see that same warmth and fondness in their eyes when they look at each other directed at their leader. 

and he can’t be shattered into pieces when he catches a glimpse of the bright red marks on hongjoong’s body when he’s getting changed in his room. they’re easy to cover, gone the moment hongjoong puts on clothes, but the sight of them are forever burned into his mind.

they can’t love seonghwa like that, not in the same way they love each other. seonghwa’s always going to be the one left behind, just as he deserves. he is not enough for them, after all.

and even though they’ve all gotten better at looking out for each other now, he still does his best to look after them.

yeosang is feeling unwell one night, and seonghwa is the one that sits on his bed. he’s cleared one worried wooyoung out of the room, not wanting him to be infected as well.

keeping an eye on his temperature, seonghwa does his best to soothe the slight fever yeosang's got. yeosang’s flushed, his eyes are glazed, and his lips are the driest seonghwa’s ever seen them.

thankfully, it doesn’t seem too severe - just a virus passing around that some staff had. yeosang seems to be the only one unfortunate enough to catch it from them.

still, it’s getting closer and closer to their debut date, and he knows it’s stressful to even miss a day of practice.

he presses a cool and damp washcloth to yeosang’s forehead, brushing back his hair to avoid it getting wet. yeosang has a slight furrow in his brows, tense with worry.

“you’re temperature hasn’t risen any more,” seonghwa comforts. “so you’ll be all clear in no time.”

“but not for tomorrow.” he’s basically pouting, fingers clenching tightly at his bedsheets to give away how annoyed he is.

“no, they gave you the day off. you need to rest.”

yeosang sighs heavily, and the conversation lulls for a while. seonghwa’s offered wooyoung his own bed, and he’ll crash on the couch. wooyoung had fought him on it, but seonghwa had pulled the hyung card, and wooyoung had to relent even though he was frustrated about it.

“hyung?” yeosang asks, getting seonghwa’s attention after he’s started to get lost in his head a little. he sounds nervous, which isn’t something seonghwa hears often. 

he hums in response, fingers sliding back through yeosang’s hair to signal he’s listening. 

“about.... us. about me and wooyoung, and... and the others, too. all of us.” 

seonghwa’s fingers stop for a moment, feeling frozen as his heart seems to drop into his stomach. it’s a mix of emotions: he’s happy they’re finally open enough with him to mention it, but hearing it is like sending knives straight through his chest.

but he won’t let yeosang know his feelings, picking up where he’d left with stroking his fingers through yeosang’s hair. yeosang takes a moment to continue.

“how do you feel about it?” yeosang asks, which is _exactly_ what seonghwa doesn’t want to be asked.

it’s clear that yeosang is aware that he knows about their relationship - now confirmed that it involves all of them. that seonghwa can’t just dodge the topic and act oblivious.

yeosang’s hand reaches up, taking hold of seonghwa’s wrist. it’s a silent demand for seonghwa to meet his eyes.

seonghwa takes a deep breath, and tells himself he cannot be upset. 

eyes meeting yeosang’s, he does his best to smile reassuringly. “i’m happy that you all love each other so much. that you can experience it together.”

while yeosang does seem reassured, he doesn’t seem relieved. like seonghwa hasn’t answered the question properly.

“but how do you feel about us?”

seonghwa doesn’t understand the question. “i’m happy, like i told you. i feel happy for you all. seriously.”

yeosang groans. “hyung. i’m asking if... if you like us, too. they’re worried to ask you in case you don’t, but... i think you do, right? you like us like how we like you?”

seonghwa still doesn’t understand.

because yeosang’s implying that he’s figured out that seonghwa likes them all in a way he shouldn’t. in a way he doesn’t deserve to.

and yeosang is implying that seonghwa likes them in the same way that they apparently like him.

which is impossible, because seonghwa doesn’t understand why any of them would like him. how any of them could.

seonghwa panics, because he doesn’t know what to think. he doesn’t want to hope, to think that they truly like him, because -

he doesn’t know how they can. 

he is not enough.

yeosang is starting to look concerned, and so seonghwa forces himself to move. to drop his fingers from yeosang’s hair to the cloth on his forehead, lifting it up and pressing his hand there.

“you’re temperature feels better,” seonghwa says, and yeosang frowns at him.

“hyung.” yeosang’s voice is firm, the loudest he’s been tonight.

“i’m going to go sleep on the couch, okay? try and sleep, you won’t recover if you don’t rest.”

“ _hyung_.”

seonghwa picks up the half-filled bowl of soup from yeosang’s bedside, ignoring yeosang’s stern gaze.

“go to sleep, yeosang-ah,” he tells him, standing up from the bed. yeosang makes an attempt to reach for him, but seonghwa moves out of reach.

he shuts the door to yeosang and wooyoung’s room, head spinning, heart thumping.

yeosang didn’t mean it the way seonghwa wants him to. he’s sick, and seonghwa’s letting his own feelings project now, because it doesn’t make sense.

_ba-dum. ba-dum. ba-dum._

_you are not enough for them._

* * *

when yeosang rejoins their activities, it’s slightly awkward. 

he doesn’t think yeosang’s told any of the others about their conversation, and seonghwa certainly hasn’t breathed a word of it. 

so for now, it’s only between them. 

and it’s clear it’s a topic yeosang is thinking about. he does his best to meet seonghwa’s eyes in the mirrors, to get his attention, and seonghwa is steadfastly ignoring it. 

they do their best to make sure none of the others notice, an unspoken agreement, but it only lasts for so long.

when seonghwa’s passing yeosang and wooyoung’s room, he hears them talking. they’ve left the door slightly ajar, voices quiet, and must not have heard seonghwa come home.

“i tried to ask him,” yeosang is saying. his tone gives away that he’s frustrated, and that’s what makes seonghwa pause outside of their room to listen.

“tried?” wooyoung prods, and yeosang sighs.

“he panicked. didn’t answer me and left.”

seonghwa knows it’s about him.

“he probably needs time to think,” wooyoung placates. “he might not have realised we were all together is all.”

“he knew already.”

“yeo-ah, he might not like us like that.”

“he does. you know he does. we shouldn’t have waited so long to try and include him. he probably feels left out.”

it’s not that being left out is the issue. sure, it hurts that all the others in his team are together and he’s the one on the outside - but he won’t value the current way they love him any less. 

it has to be enough, the way they love him now. it has to be enough to just love him in a platonic form, because it’s all seonghwa should, and can, have.

wooyoung sighs this time. “it doesn’t feel complete without him. we all know he’s missing, but if he doesn’t want to be with us, then we can’t force him to be.”

“i know. i don’t want to wait anymore, but... i don’t want to give him any more stress before debuting. we should give him time, focus on our debut, and then try and talk to him. properly. all of us, together.”

seonghwa’s starting to battle within his mind, because it sounds like they genuinely want to ask him to be part of their relationship. that they do, in fact, like him how he likes them.

but - but his heart and mind have been louder these past couple of weeks, pushing him down and down into a dark abyss. telling him he needs to be better, that he can never live up to their standards.

he walks away, as silently as he can, giving no indication he overheard their conversation.

* * *

they debut.

from the music video to the first showcase, it’s a whirlwind that seonghwa can barely keep up with.

he’s so proud of all them. he’s filled with happiness and pride when he hears the cheers for his members.

they deserve it, and he’s glad people can see what he sees. how amazing they are, how much they deserved to be loved.

they’re all excited, the overjoyous energy overfilling from each of them. seonghwa is so full of happiness and pride that he doesn’t know what to do - he wants to scream at the top of a rooftop, maybe. release some of the energy swirling in his body into the world.

when they arrive back at the dorm, tired but still excited from their first showcase, they all hover around the lounge room. like they don’t know what to do with themselves if they leave each other.

yunho lays himself across seonghwa’s lap as they watch a recording a staff member sent them. they all cheer for every member, and seonghwa buries his face in his hands the moment he sees himself on screen, because he knows it’ll be followed by _oh seonghwa-hyung! wow! you look so amazing!_

other than that, though, he is impressed. they look good on stage, all of them together. seonghwa wouldn’t want to be up there with anyone else.

and seonghwa does his best to push aside the thoughts in his head, the ones that tell him he needs to improve, he needs to work harder, that he isn’t good enough to be up on the stage with them.

he worked hard, they all did, and he’s in such a good mood. he refuses to let himself dampen his own spirits right now, not when he’s surrounded by everyone.

(but the thoughts always come later. they’ll catch up, and they’ll hurt even more when they do.)

“you worked so hard, hyung,” yunho says, clearly directed at him as he looks up at him. the others are all excitedly chatting, masking their conversation.

the attention makes seonghwa flush, and the smile on his face can’t be stopped from spreading. it was one thing to have all of them cheering, all of them excited the moment one of them appeared, but it’s something else to have yunho say it so directly.

“you looked so good, yunho-ah,” he whispers, finger bopping yunho’s nose without really thinking it through. a grin spreads on yunho’s face.

he’s looking at seonghwa with such fondness, with something so akin to adoration, that seonghwa has to divert his eyes.

the overheard conversation comes to seonghwa’s mind - but this time he doesn’t shut the thoughts out.

thinks _maybe, maybe, maybe._

they all start to clear out, washing up and heading to bed, but yunho stays firmly on his lap.

seonghwa has no plans to move - he wants to shower last, to make sure he doesn’t take time from the rest of them. however, yunho’s usually in there fighting for the first shower time.

yunho just says “i want to lay with you here for a bit” as an answer when seonghwa asks, so seonghwa doesn’t ask any more questions.

once all of them have properly left the room to start to settle in bed, san only peeks his head in once to check where yunho is, but leaves quickly.

“hyung,” yunho says, and it’s like all other noises have stopped.

despite going to their rooms, each of them are still loud enough, excited conversations filling up the quiet in the dorm. one of them, possibly hongjoong, is showering.

but it’s like seonghwa can no longer hear any of it. yunho has taken all of his senses, all of his attention, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

“hyung. you’re so cool, you know that right? my cool, pretty hyung,” yunho’s voice is light, almost like he’s teasing. but yunho’s never been mean, has never said spiteful words to them, and seonghwa can’t take yunho’s words badly.

yunho suddenly sits up, moving so that he’s now to seonghwa’s side, both of them looking at each other. 

“i like you so much, hyung.” yunho’s smiling, but it’s softer now. sincere. 

yunho takes hold of his hands, and seonghwa watches them intertwine before looking back to yunho's eyes. 

“and i don’t want to pressure you, so you can tell me no and leave at any time, okay? but i like you so much i don’t know what to do, and you like me too, don’t you?”

and there it is. this time, seonghwa can’t make himself move, can’t make himself leave. 

maybe it’s because he’s so deliriously happy about debuting. maybe the atmosphere has made him feel light, feel almost proud of himself, of all of them. 

maybe it’s because he can’t keep his shattered heart together on his own anymore. 

(it'll hurt later. when seonghwa's heart is even more shattered, broken by yunho, who'll be so nice and careful as he ultimately rejects seonghwa. but right now, he wants to pretend.)

seonghwa nods, and yunho lights up. it takes seonghwa’s breath away, to see the obvious delight and excitement on yunho’s face - as much as when they had just stepped off their debut stage.

“ah, that’s a relief! my pretty, pretty hyung likes me too,” yunho sing-songs, and seonghwa ducks his head as his cheeks burn.

yunho laughs, but it’s not mean. it’s lovely, it makes seonghwa’s heart flutter, and seonghwa squeezes his hands.

when he looks up, it’s to yunho leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his cheek. it certainly doesn’t help calm his flushing cheeks.

yunho stays close, pressing another kiss to seonghwa’s cheek. again and again, he presses soft, barely-there kisses to his cheeks, then to his forehead, his nose.

seonghwa’s maybe giggling, and maybe his heart is about to explode, and maybe he’s not completely sure this is real.

yunho pulls back a little, enough seonghwa can properly see his face. yunho’s still grinning, still looks so overjoyed, and seonghwa is in shock that he’s apparently the reason yunho’s so happy.

yunho’s eyes clearly flicker to seonghwa’s lips. the intention all too clear. 

“you can say to stop, if you want,” yunho offers, and seonghwa shakes his head.

“it’s okay,” seonghwa whispers, the loudest his voice will go.

yunho leans forward and presses their lips together, and seonghwa’s breath catches in his chest. his heart is hammering, because yunho’s kissing him - god, yunho’s actually _kissing_ him.

he manages to kiss back, but the kiss is short. yunho settles back, still smiling happily.

and seonghwa starts to panic once the shock recedes, because yunho’s dating hongjoong, yeosang, mingi, wooyoung, san, and jongho. he’s not dating seonghwa.

before more thoughts can begin to accelerate, yunho speaks. “we all really like you, hyung.”

seonghwa thinks on any other night, he’d run. he’d escape, and he’d dodge the discussion, and he wouldn’t let himself think about the maybes. 

tonight, he lets the thought settle. lets it sink in under his skin, under his ribs, into his heart.

“i really like you all too.” the admission is the hardest thing seonghwa’s said. it feels like he’s just whispered a dirty, awful secret. that this, in the end, will be his undoing.

yunho leans forward just to kiss him again, and seonghwa lets him. 

they’re interrupted by a shriek. surprised, they both whirl to see wooyoung standing in the room, who’s visibly just as shocked as them. 

yunho laughs quietly. “he’s going to be so jealous i kissed you first.”

“you kissed seonghwa-hyung? seonghwa-hyung, he got to kiss you? how long has this been a thing? since _when_ could we kiss seonghwa-hyung?” wooyoung speaks so fast that seonghwa can barely keep up, his own head spinning.

“what’s this about kissing seonghwa-hyung?” san appears in the room, closely followed by the rest of them. they’re in states of disarray, all having scrambled from their bedrooms. hongjoong’s hair is still damp from his shower - and seonghwa hadn’t even heard him finish it.

panic begins to stir in his stomach, because it’s all too sudden of a reminder they’re all dating. that maybe they want to date him, too. 

“we promised to do this together,” mingi whines, and yunho’s smile turns sheepish.

“you’re just jealous,” jongho laughs, elbowing mingi. “as we all are.”

yunho turns back to seonghwa, seeming to notice he's panicking. “hey, hyung, it’s okay. we did mean to do this together, i just got a little excited. but we should talk about it now, if you want.”

it’s an offer, one seonghwa can refuse. he can get up and walk to his bedroom and pretend this never happened, and that tonight yunho was just too excited about the debut and got mixed up.

but maybe, maybe, maybe.

“okay,” seonghwa says instead of refusing, and hongjoong shuffles all of them into the room to sit around in a circle.

seonghwa’s at the edge of the couch, which seems to upset mingi as he pouts that he can’t sit next to him. yunho refuses to move as well, and seonghwa’s thankful for it, because it means yunho's prmising to be right next to him through this conversation and is going to support him.

they’re all touching each other, all tactile and spread out over each other. open in such a way in front of him, and seonghwa’s starting to realise that the offer of it all is being extended to him. 

“what did yunho tell you?” hongjoong asks, and seonghwa swallows down his panic.

“that... that you all like me,” he replies, barely believing it himself. it doesn’t feel real, like this is only a dream he’s made up to console himself.

the confirmation rings around the room, all of them echoing their agreement. hongjoong quietens them, voice serious as he continues to question seonghwa. “okay. and do you like us?”

seonghwa falters, because - admitting his secret to one person is a lot. it’s almost too much to admit it in front of them all.

thinks maybe they’ll reject him. laugh at him and tell him he’s not good enough to love them.

yunho squeezes his hand, and seonghwa takes in a deep breath and closes his eyes, like it’ll be better if he doesn’t see the way their faces scrunch up in disgust and rejection.

“i do.”

it seems like they’re waiting for him to open his eyes, because seonghwa can’t hear a thing. can’t hear any reactions, none of them laughing cruelly and telling him he’s not worth it.

instead, it’s just a soft exhale, and yunho whispering for him to open his eyes.

he’s greeted with smiles, with all of them having moved closer to him. the same warm, excited smile yunho had shown him.

and then hongjoong asks if he wants to join them, if he wants to try dating them all, and seonghwa almost can’t answer.

because he never thought this was even an option, that this was something seonghwa could have. to be with them all, for all of them to apparently like him enough to offer.

“ _yes._ please.”

this time, he sees the way they all scramble up with excitement. can see mingi coming as he tackles him back onto the couch.

“my boyfriend,” mingi cheers, keeping him pinned back onto the couch. “ah, so many handsome boyfriends! but i’m the handsomest, aren’t i, hyung?”

seonghwa is too flustered to properly answer, but mingi doesn’t seem to mind as he continues. “as your most handsome boyfriend, can i kiss you?”

seonghwa nods, but it’s met with outrage. they’re all scrambling up to push mingi away, vowing to be seonghwa’s second kiss.

he doesn’t even remember which order they go in. it’s like a pile of puppies, all excitedly pushing each other around just to quickly press a kiss to his lips. seonghwa’s heart is filled with so much love, something he’s not familiar with letting himself feel.

finally, yunho helps pull him up. “okay, we all seriously need to start going to sleep, leave hyung alone for now. he needs to shower.”

seonghwa, despite his thoughts being such a scramble he can’t think coherently, manages to focus on one. “wait, yunho, you should-”

yunho pushes him all the way to the bathroom, shutting the door on him. “take a shower, hyung! you don’t need to rush either, okay?”

despite yunho’s insistence, seonghwa hurries his shower. 

mostly because the shower is a good time for everything to be quiet, for his heart to settle into a familiar song, for his mind to torment him.

he wants to be happy. he wants to enjoy apparently being the boyfriend of seven other people.

he doesn’t want to think he’s not good enough. he doesn’t want to think he’ll ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

wants to think that even though he doesn’t like himself, that maybe he’ll be able to love them enough to make up for it. 

* * *

promotions are over for their debut, and they’re straight back into practice.

they’re in the studio for dance practice, and they’re currently taking a small break. some of them have collapsed onto the couch, some onto the floor, and others are refilling their water. the dance instructor has left to take a call outside, leaving them alone in the room.

seonghwa’s currently on the ground, back to the mirror. practice isn’t going so well for him, his body not fast enough, moves not sharp enough, not able to keep up and catch on as fast as the rest of them with new choreography.

mingi’s the only one standing, actually looking at himself in the mirror as he pushes his hair back and practices one of the movements.

and seonghwa knows he should practice, should be working on all the moves he’s suffering with, but - but it’s almost too close of a declaration to the rest of them by showing how weak he is. all their attention would fall to him as they rest, no longer focused on only their own moves, and it’d be too noticeable.

mingi’s confidence is something seonghwa wishes he could have. the ability to believe in himself, to show no hesitation in demonstrating, in confidently showing off to the rest of them. 

it’s well deserved - seonghwa believes the rest of them should all carry that confidence in themselves. should be as comfortable with themselves as mingi shows he can be.

though there’s times where mingi isn’t, when he struggles just as much as they all do. but he never lets it linger, never lets it create a permanent shroud around him.

mingi notices him staring and smirks, amping up his confident attitude. 

he strides over and sits himself down on seonghwa's lap, bracketing seonghwa's hips with his own thighs. 

"can't help but stare, hyung?" mingi taunts, the smirk still in place. he’s close, leaning into seonghwa, all too intent on stirring him up - in a good way, in a way that mingi loves to tease them all with. 

"my pretty hyung," mingi kisses his forehead, and seonghwa's eyes flutter closed. “can’t stop but stare at someone so handsome, can he?”

something bitter twists inside of him, but it's almost comforting in its familiarity. 

because seonghwa can't look himself in the mirror today. can't pull his mask down to show his face, keeps his hat down as far as he can without it blocking his vision entirely.

he doesn't want to see himself. he doesn't want others to see him. 

he’s not pretty. pretty things should be looked at, admired, and seonghwa isn’t enough for that. 

mingi goes to tug seonghwa’s mask down, and seonghwa moves back, grabbing mingi’s hands to distract him. 

mingi’s pretty. mingi’s gorgeous. and he shouldn’t need to look at seonghwa and pretend like he’s something worth looking at.

“the teacher will come back any moment,” seonghwa warns. he’s wilting under mingi’s stare, wants to hide away from it, and the threat of someone finding them in such a compromising position should be enough to get mingi off him. 

it works, but only reluctantly. seonghwa feels guilty with mingi’s upset pout, ashamed that he’s basically turned him down and pushed him away all because he just doesn’t want to be seen right now.

mingi seems to realise he’s not getting anywhere, sighing and standing up again. it’s good timing, as the teacher comes back in, apologising for taking so long with his call. 

seonghwa just brings the mask up higher, pulls his hat lower, and gets back into formation.

his reflection stares right back at him, mocking. movements slow, sloppy, not good enough.

_bad-dum. bad-dum. ba-dum._

* * *

he’s trying to be better. 

he is, because he knows he can’t love the others the way they deserved to be loved if he can’t love himself. 

and they deserve to be loved so, so much. beyond what seonghwa can ever give them.

they handle seonghwa carefully, delicately, like he’s something to be treasured. they don’t push him, they don’t try and rush him. 

it’s hard, because seonghwa wants to give them everything.

but he struggles to give them that. he rarely progresses past kissing with any of them, and when he does, it’s when the lights are off - and seonghwa only gives and refuses to receive.

and they try to, every single time, promise to make seonghwa feel so good. seonghwa knows they will, but -

it’s just that seonghwa can’t. he doesn’t want their attention on him, on his body, when he doesn’t feel good about it. 

some days are better than others.

like when wooyoung sits in his lap, and seonghwa lets him push his hair back. doesn’t listen to the voice in his head telling him he should try and cover himself as much as possible so that none of them have to see him. that he should push his hair back down and hide.

wooyoung kisses his forehead, then in a very intimate gesture, kisses his eyelids. seonghwa squirms under it, but he’s no match for a determined dongsaeng.

“your hair is so long now,” wooyoung tells him, hand still holding the strands back. “how can you even see?”

 _he doesn’t want to._ he doesn’t want to look at himself in the mirror and hear all the negative thoughts come to mind. just wants to hide his face away and never have to see it again.

seonghwa’s discovered a good way to distract most of them is to kiss them, so that’s what he does. wooyoung easily melts, and it always sends a little thrill through seonghwa that they react like that to him.

some days are much, much worse.

when he won’t look at himself in the mirror. or worse, when he will, just to point out everything wrong about himself. to pull and prod at skin, to tear himself to shreds because he’s not pretty enough, not good enough.

thinks maybe he should break up with them all so that it hurts less when they inevitably break up with him. realise he’s not worth it, not good enough for any of them.

_ba-dum. ba-dum. ba-dum._

he’s noticed one of them will always find him on those days. even if they have separate schedules, different times in the studio, different times they’re in the same space. even if seonghwa is alone for the day.

jongho finds him today, right as seonghwa gets back to the dorm from vocal practice. 

and it’s not like he did too badly today. he even got a compliment about how much more stable he’s sounding lately, but it’s just that seonghwa can’t stand to be himself today.

jongho’s waiting on the couch, eyes meeting his the moment seonghwa walks through the door.

immediately, jongho pounces on him. he’s not one to be overly affectionate or clingy, but it’s hard to escape once he’s got his attention on someone.

“hyung! let’s go eat dinner out, just you and me, okay?” he begs.

the thought of going out in public, out on the streets, sounds awful. it sounds like just so many more eyes to judge seonghwa about how he looks, how he sounds, how he acts.

but seonghwa’s weak for jongho (for any of them), and unfortunately agrees. 

jongho says he’ll wait if seonghwa wants to get changed, but seonghwa declines. if he goes to change, he might have a breakdown about what he’s wearing, about what clothes are appropriate, what looks good on him, what’ll cover him up the best -

and it’s easy with the practice clothes. if he doesn’t put in the effort to look good, then he can’t be judged for trying to.

jongho seems happy with the decision, even if seonghwa’s stressing now that jongho might think it means he doesn’t want to put in effort for him. that jongho always looks so good, and seonghwa currently looks like a goddamn mess.

still, jongho excitedly pulls him back out the front door and fills seonghwa’s lack of conversation with his own. “the others are going to order in, but i want to go out and eat today. do you mind if we get the bus there?”

buses mean a further distance, meaning seonghwa has to travel out in public under more scrutiny. still, he says “of course not”, and scans his transport card on.

jongho doesn’t seem to mind that seonghwa isn’t really talkative. just shares an earphone from his ipod with him as they sit near the back of the bus and lets the music cover up the quiet. 

seonghwa lets himself be led into a restaurant, and it’s warm enough inside that, despite how self-conscious he is today, he’d rather not melt to death with his jacket.

jongho’s perceptive to them all. he’s aware of when seonghwa wants silence and when he doesn’t. like he currently seems to know that while seonghwa is quiet, he doesn’t want jongho to be. 

he’s reminded of how mature jongho is. of how well he treats all of them, of how he handles himself. he’s the youngest, but rarely needs to be taken care of - too used to the role of the big brother in his own family.

and seonghwa’s trying to do his best as the oldest brother, to learn how to be one after being the youngest in his own. knows he can do better, that he should be doing better for them all. 

he does his best to focus on jongho’s words, on letting himself be absorbed in the conversation. to get out of his own head for a moment, and jongho is thankfully all too easy to listen to.

seonghwa forgets he has to remove the mask off his face until the food is placed in front of them. he has a moment where he considers not eating, but he’s so hungry, and he doesn’t want to cause jongho concern.

jongho doesn’t react when seonghwa slips the mask off, doesn't recoil in the way seonghwa might expect him to. he just smiles at him before focusing on the food in front of him. 

it’s nice. it’s nice to be away from the dorm for a bit. to sit with his boyfriend and focus on having dinner with him, instead of how he needs to be better in every regard.

when they leave, jongho holds his hand. despite the chill in the air, and seonghwa’s relief of having his mask back on, jongho leads him to find ice cream.

they share a cone, and seonghwa lets jongho have most of it. still, it’s cute, and seonghwa’s saddened he doesn’t have a phone on him to take a photo of how nice jongho looks. it’s a month from christmas, but lights have started to appear, and they bounce off jongho’s skin and make him glow.

when they step back into the dorm, they have yet let go of each other’s hands. seonghwa’s almost disappointed at being back, at facing the reality he needs to get up and practice, and he needs to practice so much -

they do have to let go of each other to get their shoes off, and seonghwa already misses the contact. however, jongho turns and kisses him at the door, and whispers “i love you.”

the words stun seonghwa. they know they all love each other, but none of them have really told seonghwa in such a way. jongho is just as flustered as him, leaving before seonghwa can even think about replying.

 _i love you,_ he wants to say.

_and i’m sorry that you love me._

* * *

seonghwa’s so comfortable with the way his heart beats, with the thoughts in his mind, that he doesn’t notice how much he’s _cracked._

the negative thoughts in his head are familiar. the way he wants to hide himself, to not show himself to anyone, because he’s not good enough.

_ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum._

his heart beats as steadily as ever, and with it, there’s a familiar tune he can’t ever seem to escape.

_you are not enough._

it’s all standard for him. to hide away from himself, from the world, from the others. he doesn’t know any better anymore.

he practices harder and harder, needing to be better. spends hours practicing until his legs ache, until he can fake an expression so easily it doesn't matter how he’s actually feeling. 

wooyoung pulls him out of the studio after countless days of this. seonghwa lost track of time many, many hours ago, and when they walk outside to a sunrise, it shocks seonghwa. he didn’t think he’d been practicing that long.

they’re out the front of the building, just out of sight of the security. wooyoung’s gritting his teeth, a stormy expression seonghwa isn’t used to seeing directed at him.

he’s obviously fighting with himself, probably to think about how to be respectful but still tear seonghwa to shreds for whatever it is he’s done.

maybe he’s finally realised it. maybe he knows now seonghwa isn’t good enough for them all. maybe this is it.

“you can’t keep going like this,” wooyoung warns lowly, which means he probably lost to himself with starting with this respectfully. “you keep running yourself into the ground, you’re always practicing, and even hongjoong is home more often than you.”

seonghwa hates himself for feeling vindicated. for feeling proud that he’s got hongjoong beat at this, because seonghwa worries about hongjoong overworking himself all the time. 

and maybe if seonghwa’s got hongjoong beat at this, it means he might just be okay at something. that he’ll be able to improve enough. be good enough for the group. 

“we’re worried, and you keep fucking pushing us away!” wooyoung’s fists are balled at his side, and seonghwa flinches at wooyoung’s words. 

wooyoung lets out a deep breath, uncurling his fists, and seonghwa looks at him to see that there’s tears trailing down his cheeks.

 _that_ makes seonghwa recoil. he’s made wooyoung upset, which is the last thing he wants, because he never wants to upset them or be the reason they’re crying and hurt.

“if you don’t want to be with us, can you please just tell us? we’ll work it out, but it - it hurts when you avoid us. you still somehow look after us, but you refuse to let us look after you, like we’re… like you don’t _want_ us anymore.”

wooyoung looks guilty the moment he says the words, but he refuses to take them back.

it’s what seonghwa needs to hear to realise just how bad it all truly is. starts to understand that all the cracks have worn him down, have been chipping away at him. 

realises how much he’s affecting the others with how he treats himself. how he’s messed up so badly that they think seonghwa doesn’t want them, how hurt and rejected they must feel.

he’s cracked, shards stabbing into his lungs, into his heart, fracturing him.

and seonghwa falls apart.

he shatters so quickly. his heart feels like it’s just been broken into thousands of pieces. piercing his lungs, his throat, until he feels like he can’t breathe. 

a choked sob escapes, tears immediately building in his eyes. he has no hope of holding them back, but does his best to cover his face and hide his sobbing from wooyoung.

wooyoung doesn’t let him.

wooyoung gently grabs his hands, pulling them away from his face. wooyoung’s own fingers swipe at seonghwa’s cheeks, brushing away the tears as they fall.

“oh,” wooyoung hiccups through his own tears, “okay, okay, let’s go sit down. here, come over this way.”

wooyoung’s fingers slide into his, guiding him into an isolated alley. thankfully it’s still a little too early for anyone to be roaming the streets, and those that are seem to avoid the scene seonghwa’s creating.

he slides down against the wall of a building, and wooyoung crouches down with him. he starts to wipe seonghwa’s tears again, which just makes seonghwa cry harder, because he’s managed to upset them all so much.

“i’m so sorry,” he’s whispering, over and over again. wooyoung’s shushing him, trying to calm him, and it takes a while before seonghwa can think beyond his apologies. “i want you. i promise, i promise i do. i love you. i love all of you so much, i’m so sorry i’ve messed it all up.”

seonghwa maybe didn’t mean to confess his love to wooyoung whilst crying in an alley, but he needed to convince wooyoung that he never meant for them to feel like seonghwa didn’t want them.

“you didn’t mess it all up,” wooyoung scolds, laughing a little through his tears. he sounds relieved, and seonghwa feels so bad about it, because this has obviously been weighing so heavily on them, thinking that seonghwa didn’t love them.

“i shouldn’t be the one to tell you the words without the others saying it themselves, so i’ll say that we all like you very, very, _very_ much. i love you. but we just don’t know what to think when you push us away and hide,” wooyoung continues, voice soft like he’s scared of anyone overhearing.

a quick glance around confirms they’re still alone, and seonghwa shudders into wooyoung’s hands. 

maybe it’d be better for them all to just break up with him now. to realise how difficult it is to love him, how he’s not worth the effort. 

but - 

but seonghwa’s tired of pushing them away. he’s tired of trying to hide, tired of feeling like he can’t show them all the love they deserve.

he’s so damn tired.

“i’m sorry. i’m so sorry,” seonghwa whispers, hands now burying into his eyes. wooyoung tries to pull his hands away again, but seonghwa won’t budge until he collects himself a little more.

taking a deep breath in, he lets wooyoung finally tug away his hands, and wooyoung is quick to hold them. to lean in and carefully listen as seonghwa starts to speak.

“i just don’t know how you can all love me,” seonghwa admits. he doesn’t mean to sound like he’s doubting their capacity to love, and he means to clarify, but stops when wooyoung lets out a wounded noise.

“oh. oh, hyung. you’re so easy to love. i think we all fell in love the second we met you. we loved you so much already that we were scared to ask you out, because i don’t think our hearts would be okay if you rejected us.”

seonghwa starts to properly cry again, which is annoying, because now his hands are definitely trapped by wooyoung. 

wooyoung finally drops one of his hands, reaching up to wipe seonghwa’s tears again. “it’s... it’s because you think you don’t deserve to be loved, isn’t it? you don’t... love yourself enough to understand how we might.”

seonghwa’s heart is breaking again, even though he doesn’t know how much more it actually take. feels like his skin might just start to crumble into dust, and hopefully he’ll be whisked away into the wind, just to get away from all the awful feelings inside of him.

wooyoung realises he’s hit the mark, and starts to shush seonghwa again as his sobs continue. he wants to hide, to be taken far, far away, but wooyoung is keeping a tight hold of him.

“okay. okay. we can’t... make you love yourself, but we can help you try. we _will_ support you, and continue to love you no matter what. for once, let us take care of you and help you.”

seonghwa feels like a burden to them all already, and it’s hard to accept that he needs some support now. feels like he failed as a hyung, as their eldest, and can’t make himself agree to it. it was the one thing he thought he might’ve been doing right, and now even that’s crumbling.

“we’re a team, hyung. we _want_ to help you.”

and seonghwa - seonghwa needs it. needs some help now, because he knows that he’s fallen to a point he can no longer pull himself out of on his own. 

he needs to start to liking himself, loving himself. even if it’s just so he can properly love the others like they deserve. to never unintentionally hurt them like this again. 

“okay,” he manages to whisper.

wooyoung gives him a shaky smile. but it’s warm, encouraging.

and seonghwa feels empty, like his tears have drained him. like he’s finally realised just how much he’s cracked, fallen apart, and now there’s a big hole in his chest.

but it’s lighter than before. feels like he’s not suffocating, being pushed down by his thoughts, and his heart doesn’t feel so heavy. 

it’s unfamiliar, almost terrifying. because seonghwa wants to feel better, wants to love and be loved. he just doesn't know how to.

it’s a desire that’s small, barely enough to ignite a small warm spark inside.

it’s something he hasn’t let himself feel. hasn’t let himself kindle that spark into a fire, into something that can keep him warm. he only knows how to shut down, to be cold, to extinguish any hopeful flames.

but maybe the emptiness inside of him can be filled by the warmth of that fire, helped kindled by the others, and maybe seonghwa can do this.

maybe, maybe, maybe.

“let’s go home. we don’t start until later today anyway, so you can go to sleep for a bit.” wooyoung begins to stand, pulling seonghwa up with him. 

he holds seonghwa’s hand, but his other hand rifles through the bag he brought with him. he pulls out a hat, securing it on seonghwa’s head for him. 

“you’re still unfairly pretty when you cry,” wooyoung whines. he taps seonghwa’s cheek - a given indication he wants to kiss seonghwa, but won’t out in public. 

seonghwa’s embarrassed about falling apart out in public, and is thankful to wooyoung for the hat. he pulls it down a little, wipes his eyes, and follows wooyoung back to the dorms.

* * *

“hongjoong had a meeting this morning, it’s why we noticed you weren’t home,” wooyoung tells him as they take their shoes off at the entry to their dorm. 

it means their room will be empty, and seonghwa’s glad. wooyoung’s already more than enough to break down in front of, and he’d rather the others don’t see him like this. especially not hongjoong, who already stresses so much about the younger ones. 

wooyoung follows him to his room, and seonghwa falters in the doorway. he turns back to wooyoung, hands still connected, and does his best to smile reassuringly.

“i’m okay,” seonghwa tells him. _you don’t need to look after me. i think i need some time to myself to figure out how i’m going to piece myself back together._

wooyoung hesitates to leave him. “i can sleep in hyung’s bed if you need.”

seonghwa shakes his head. “go sleep in your own bed, wooyoung-ah. tell yeosang i really, _really_ like him, and that he doesn’t need to worry.”

it feels like wooyoung might ignore him, might just push past seonghwa and crawl into hongjoong’s bed, but wooyoung’s shoulders sag and he gives in. he leans forward to give seonghwa a kiss on the cheek, right at the corner of his lips.

“sleep well, hyung. see you in a few hours.” 

wooyoung lets go and walks back to his room, and he hears him whispering to yeosang. 

seonghwa should wash up. crying has made him feel awful, and he’s definitely missed his skincare routine timing, and he really should head to the bathroom and wash up.

but in the face of exhaustion, seonghwa just takes off the hat, strips off some of his clothes, and crawls into his bed. 

he can’t quite fall asleep. his fingers tug at the blanket desperately, just wanting to fall asleep so that he doesn’t have to think about what just happened. about how he’s revealed all of his feelings now, has to face just how much he hates himself. and that now, when the others see him, they’ll only think he’s broken and not their reliant hyung anymore.

the door creaks open a little, and seonghwa’s too exhausted to lift his head to check who it is. he hears them pad across the room, up the ladder to his bed, and he finally looks to see san.

he’s holding shiber, and seonghwa’s heart drops. san hasn’t come into his bed with shiber lately - he’s doing so much better, starting to properly love himself, and seonghwa feels so guilty because he hasn’t noticed san falling back into his negative headspace.

san crawls up the bed, wrapping himself around seonghwa. it’s familiar, and san easily adjusts the limbs that seonghwa is too tired to move.

what’s not familiar is san shoving shiber into his hands. 

seonghwa lets out a questioning noise, and san looks at him and smiles. “you and shiber helped me a lot when i really needed it. shiber’s good at giving comfort, just like you, you know? so i want you to have him right now.”

seonghwa’s exhale is shaky, and he’s scared he’s going to start crying again. 

he’s not sure how san knows - it hasn’t seemed like there’s been enough time for wooyoung to tell yeosang and then san. san hums, answering the question that won’t make its way past his lips.

“i... noticed you weren’t doing so well. i’m sorry it took me so long to see it. i wanted to talk to you, but you never came home,” san quietly tells him, burying himself closer to seonghwa.

“didn’t want you to notice,” seonghwa manages to rasp out. his throat is dry and still feels like it’s clogged from crying. 

san’s fingers trace patterns into seonghwa’s skin. “i know. turns out you’re a little bit better at lying than mingi.”

seonghwa wants to say that’s not really hard, but his throat has clogged up properly again. instead, he just focuses on breathing, on sinking into the mattress. 

instead of digging into his bed, his fingers clench at shiber. 

and seonghwa’s filled with fondness, with love. because he knows what shiber means, what it means for san to give him to seonghwa. 

“you can have shiber as long as you need, hyung,” san whispers. “and us. you have us too.”

sharing a bed with san and shiber is familiar. sharing emotions that only the two of them understood, how they both struggled so much with feeling like they’re enough. 

and san no longer needs shiber when he sleeps with seonghwa. he doesn’t seem to struggle anymore - and his heart has started to beat another song, something else, something that’s reassuring to seonghwa as he listens to it.

he thought he’d be lonely when san started to love himself. that he'd be left alone to feel buried in a sea of self-hatred.

but he’s comforted, because if san can do it, then maybe - 

maybe seonghwa can too.

* * *

it’s not an easy process. it’s not like seonghwa’s suddenly able to declare that he loves himself, that he no longer hears the negative voices in his head, that with every beat of his heart he’s no longer being told _he is not enough_.

but it’s better. he’s so much better.

he doesn’t realise it at first, not until hongjoong’s pushed him against their bedroom wall. 

hongjoong might be shorter than him, but seonghwa’s completely trapped. completely endeared as hongjoong lifts a hand up and brushes back seonghwa’s hair from his face, which has been cut a little shorter now.

“god, you looked so good today.” hongjoong presses the words into his skin, underneath the kisses he trails down seonghwa’s cheeks, his jaw, his neck, all the way to his collarbones.

he pulls aside seonghwa’s shirt, and seonghwa would be worried about the fabric stretching, but honestly, he’s all too comfortable under hongjoong’s touch.

(maybe, even just a day before this one, he’d be uncomfortable. he’d stop hongjoong at his neck, and spin him around just to focus on him.

but not today, and the realisation sends a jolt of excitement through him.)

he even had a few moments in the dance practice mirror today, practicing expressions, and being happy with himself. thinking that while he might need to work on them, his expressions are good enough to show, to be confident in.

if hongjoong is any indication, seonghwa might be onto something.

“i had to tell all of them to leave you alone.” hongjoon’s voice is playful, jokingly annoyed as his fingers start to dance at the bottom of seonghwa’s shirt, slipping under and pressing against seonghwa’s stomach.

the lights are on, and seonghwa won’t let himself shrink under hongjoong’s gaze, under his touch.

lets himself take, with minimal guilt, what hongjoong is all too willing to give. 

and then after, when hongjoong’s wrestled him into staying in his bed and cuddling. after, when all the others have piled around the room, hongjoong only able to keep them away for so long.

after, seonghwa lets himself think he loves them all so much. more than he ever has, because he’s starting to love himself too. 

the spark inside of him is a flame now. one he’s keeping careful watch of, and one the others are handling with careful, considerate hands. making sure seonghwa feels like he can burn so brightly, if he just lets himself.

and he’s starting to.

  
  


* * *

it’s beginning to feel like this.

like seonghwa’s heart is beating against his chest, pushing against his ribs, up against his skin.

it’s a loud declaration, a message that reverberates through his entire being.

a steady rhythm. it’s a song he isn’t so familiar with, but one he’s doing his best to sing along to. and when he falters on the words, the others pick them up, singing them right back to him.

ba-dum. ba-dum. ba-dum.

_you are enough._

**Author's Note:**

> listen i threw this together in literally 2 days because i just... saw seonghwa's one-year message and it reflected strongly, so i went and ran with it. this is me just pushing all those thoughts onto him and y'know, it's free therapy (and i don't think it needs to be said this isn't a realistic reflection of seonghwa as a person and his own thoughts and such.)  
> i'll be uploading part 2 of the seonjoong mermaid/pirate fic in a couple days! also, i need some friends on twitter, so feel free to talk to me and scream abt seonghwa/ateez :') [twitter](https://twitter.com/shiningstarhwa)  
> thanks for reading! <3


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